My Restless Crescent

To the person that mailed me the short note,

thank you for caring about me. I’m sorry that I do not return the amount of love and support that you have for me. You have treated me with a kindness I’m not sure that I deserve. Thank you for reminding me that I am a firework. 

With love and regret,

Marisa 

Integrity. 

A value which has now come to light, has been with me unknowingly from the start. 

Integrity is that for which I strive. 

Not always present in my actions, but positive growth and effortful change will help me become who I know I am. 

Integrity- my guiding light. My waxing strength. 

The moon’s rays reflect on a blanket of snow-

the darkness interrupted.

The glowing light ignites the unknown.

Here, I am at home. 

In a little under 2 hours, I’ll be 21 years old.
I used to think how monumental this moment would be.
Instead of being excited for the bars, the drinks, and the crazy nights of fun, I feel a sense of responsibility and maturity.
I think I’m officially growing up, not just by the number of my years, but through life experiences.
I know who and what I want to be.
I had to lose myself completely to figure it out, I guess.
A year ago today, I was a mess.
No, seriously. A grand mess I was.
Isn’t that just like me, though?
I can never do anything the right way, I always have to do it MY way, even if that means taking many detours and wrong turns to get to the right place.

So… Where am I?
I’m an anxious, fear driven, tongue- tied, narcoleptic woman of 21 years with ADD and a wish to start new.
And I love every piece of me.
Of the things I am capable!
Oh the places to which I have dragged myself,
and yet here I lay, in the same room I’ve called my own for almost 21 years,
and I’m ready to live.
Does that mean tomorrow I’ll forget my past, my fears, my anxiety, and newly acquired social-awkwardness?
No, probably not.
But hey, in this moment, I’m looking at life with a positive attitude and saying,
“Hey. I’m 21 years old, and I’m not simply excited because now I can legally get drunk. I’m excited because I’m coming for you, life, and my arms are wide open.”

So, life, you can either let this happen, or make it really awkward, but tomorrow on my 21st birthday, I’m coming at you with a big hug and a passion to live, love, and accomplish great things.

Ready or not, here I come.

How can one be so unconcerned
with future consequences?
Living for the day, not thinking about what’s ahead,
I really screwed up.

And now, the memories break free to haunt me.
Like a ghosts, I’m never alone.
I have my past with me every twist and turn.
Never guessed I’d look back and think:
I wish you knew better.

My dad always told me to never burn a bridge.
Turned my back on him and set a whole row of them ablaze.
Now they’re the ones winning,
and I’m left haunted.

I remember them saying, “big things are coming your way.”
From where I’m standing,
I’m feeling small and still waiting for those big things to turn up.

Maybe it’s because I lived a sheltered life. Maybe it’s because I never learned right from wrong.
But I know it now.
Believe me when I say I know it now.

Do you know what it feels like
to be completely and utterly content?
To feel stable and satisfied?

In this moment, I am at an equilibrium.
This rarely happens,
but when it does,
I treasure the moments.

My heart feels warm,
my breathing is steady,
my mind at ease.

I am very blessed.
I am extremely grateful.
I am collected,
I am calm,
I am peaceful.

In these moments,
I am home.

Can’t focus